Up until now, this blog as been a huge jumble of a billion things over the last 4+ years. It started out with expressing my feelings through supporting my (then boyfriend) who had joined the Air-force, then turned to documenting our lives away from our families, then to crafting, then to a deployment journal, then to all things baby, then to a more commercialized blog, then to more religiously themed, etc. etc. etc. . . Which seems to bother some people... And here we are. Which brings me to the subject that has been on my mind pretty much since I reached early adulthood. .
I have no focus. . . I have a problem committing myself to interests. And I am sinfully jealous of those who have that ability. Artists, HTML coders, Pilots, Gardeners, Hair Stylists, Larpers, and so on. have something that I wish I had so SOOO badly. FOCUS. How do they pick that one thing that defines their free time, their random thoughts, their so called "calling" in life. How?
I can't do that. I can't pick. I like way to many things and have way to much of an attention problem. This has translated straight to my Education experience. I have had.. wait for it.... 11 different major changes. 11. That means I have rearranged my school plan 11 times. Not to mention school switches. Any psychologist would have a HAY DAY with me. I can't commit to an educational future. I want to be a Delegate, and a Teacher, a Small Business Owner, a Parole Officer, a Marriage Counselor, a Florist, a Journalist, and a Senator, a PR Rep, AND a mom.
I just love so many completely different things, and because I feel this connection to so many things.... I feel insecurity often in who I am. One week I am interested in Painting, but I feel like a "poser" because it hasn't been my life goal to be a Painter, and some people work for years and years at it. I am a Hobby Hopper.... Liking so many things has made me decently knowledgeable at a plethora of hobbies and subjects... But I am not an expert at anything, and it is pretty easy to get down on yourself when the world is telling you that you are missing that "life calling" that everyone is waiting for.
But I have realized something over the last few weeks. Something that I should have learned a long long time ago.. that took one simple sentence from a loving Bishop to make my light bulb finally go off. None of those feelings of insecurity, or depression, or confusion, or melancholy-ness (word or not a word?) are from a place that is worth my time. We live in a world where we are constantly pushed. Pushed to be smarter, more dedicated, more successful, and more "liked" than the person next door. . . BUT there is one person that wants us to be better, but will never push us based on a comparison to "everyone else".... Our Father in Heaven.
Satan wants us to be our OWN worst enemy. Satan wants me to look at my Education and feel overwhelmed. He wants me to quit. He wants me to think I don't know who I am. And even though it would be pretty easy to get down on myself for my lack of focus on any one thing. . . to see all my jumbled-ness and feel like a hot mess. Our Father would never want us to feel that way.
According to the world, I am lost, needing direction, confused, and unfocused. But If I looked at myself the way our Heavenly Father sees me; I am eclectic, interesting, open minded, and well rounded! I would much rather see myself as the latter. Either way, I'm O.K. admitting that I am not really sure exactly who I am according to my interests. But my Father has taught me that my interests don't define who I am. I was someone before I came here & He has given us the opportunity to know ourselves by knowing him. He gives us the opportunity to receive personal revelation, patriarchal blessings, and has given us the scriptures and latter-day prophets to learn of Him and his Son.
I may not know what I want to be when I "grow up" or what I want to be in an hour! But, I know that I am a mother and a wife, and whatever path or class or course I decide to take... my education and variety of interests will help me be a better version of both of those things! With God's help I can do just that. Be the best version of myself and help others to do the same, and THAT is my "life calling". Our Father in Heaven has given us the opportunity to become whoever and whatever we want based on the fact that we will include Him. He is perfectly fine with me being ALL the things I want to be. I love and appreciate Him for that. What a blessed and loved group of children we are.
So instead of getting down on yourself on those days you "don't know who you are" exactly or getting jealous of those who seem to have "it all together". . . Try getting to know him better, and "Be still". He loves you.