7.15.2010

More...

Well for some reason I am in a HUGE ranting mood today.  And since I can't sleep......

I just want August 18th to come NOW.
I'm sick of planning stuff
I'm sick of doing stuff
I'm sick of worrying
I'm sick of stress
I'm sick of working
I'm sick of crying
I'm sick of Ben being away
I'm sick of having to do everything alone
I'm sick of not being able to sleep because I can't stop thinking
I'm sick of EVERYTHING

This whole wedding business is fun, really fun..... unless you have to do it alone... in which case it becomes LESS fun and more stressful.  I feel bad because i KNOW Ben can't do any of this, he just can't and thats the way it is.... but it still doesn't change the fact that I wish he could.  Every time I pick out something or make a decision it hurts.  I feel like this is MY wedding, not OURS.  I hate that.  This is not how I imagined things, and although i wouldn't change anything for the world.... I can't help but wish he was home, and that we could go to pick out flowers together, or even talk for more than an average of 30 minutes a day.  All i want is to stop feeling alone.. I hate it.  How can I find the most amazing person, fall in love, get engaged, and still feel like I'm doing everything solo? I'll tell you how... the US Air Force. Thats how. Its not fair.  I just want normal.  I just want Ben to be as much mine as I am his, but thats not possible. Because he isn't just mine, i have to share him.  I have to share him with this country.  And although there is not anything else I would rather share him with... I think I deserve a little bit of a break.  I HATE BEING ALONE. and I want him back.

1 comment:

  1. Sammie! I'm so sorry, I can honestly say that I know how you feel! Stupid Air Force! Remember that I am always here if you need ANYTHING!!!

    ReplyDelete

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